Navigating Hope: Balancing Expectations

Navigating Hope: Balancing Expectations

Today, we will be diving into Pandora’s box to find Hope and understand the difference between hope and expectations.

In the mandarin language, 期望(expectations) and 希望 (hope) are easily miscommunicated and misinterpreted into the same perspective.

Though hopes and expectations may look alike to most of us at first glance, the feelings they bring forth can differ.

🎯 Differing Points between Hope & Expectation 🎯

To understand the difference between Hope & Expectations, we can start by looking at our experiences in the process of working towards our goals and reactions towards the result.

When we hope for a result, we put in our best effort and are more open to receive results differing from ideals.

We are more able to accept disagreements, discussions, or perception of imperfection of our completed work.

Therefore, in the process of completing any tasks, the level of dissatisfaction is not as high.

At the same time we draw a boundary between our sense of worth and the performance of a task, reducing the sense of shame and anger when results are not the way we hoped for.

For instance, for those of us who hope to win the lottery, if we eventually find out we did not, the level of dissatisfaction is relatively low and we do not lower our sense of worth as a result.

Whereas when we expect a certain result, we try to control the results rigidly, wanting it to be directly equivalent to the amount of effort we put in.

In the process of wanting to control the results, disagreements and discussions are not welcomed as we perceive that our effort is the guideline of how perfection should look like.

As we do so, we may find ourselves internalizing the result as our own sense of worth.

If the result is not ideal, we find that we see ourselves as imperfect and may end up feeling dissatisfied towards the results and also disappointed towards ourselves.

For example, if you have worked for weeks on a proposal which you expect your boss to love, if he/she eventually criticizes or rejects it, we are more likely to feel inadequate and the level of dissatisfaction is high.

Hopes Vs Expectations

People often feel that those who hold a lot of hope are those who are optimistic about life. On the other hand, while those who hold high expectations of themselves and others tend to be your go-getters and “hustlers”, they also experience a high level of dissatisfaction with life.

When people say, “you should be grateful for what you have”, they are trying to lower your expectations so that you can feel more satisfaction within your life.

However, is it wrong to feel dissatisfaction? After all, it does inform us what we would like to have in life, to lead us towards change.

🌟 Why do we need the dissatisfaction that comes from expectations🌟

We cannot discard expectations altogether just to deny ourselves the experience of dissatisfaction.

Some may call people who hold on to hope as visionaries or leaders, and we see a lot of such characters in comics, manga, manhwa, movie series and cartoons. Recall Luffy from One Piece, Naruto from Naruto, and the likes of them?

They always have a vision of who they want to become in the future. Most of the time we see them as strong, driven, motivated and possibly inspiring, even then, these leaders would not be able to succeed just by holding on to hope.

If we were to live our life based only on hope, I can only imagine all of us being manic and euphoric, making decisions that are hopeful without any actual preventative measures to safeguard ourselves, or putting in effort above and beyond to reach our goals.

Have you ever met that someone who is overly optimistic about everything but never really puts in effort to substantiate that optimism?

Or a friend who just blindly hopes to pass all his/her exams even when he/she doesn’t study?

What dissatisfaction brings

Leaders who become successful in the eyes of others, acknowledges their limits, know their weaknesses, and flexibly changes their expectation of what they need to have in and around them to achieve their visions rather than just betting with pure hope.

In other words, successful leaders or individuals who find themselves dissatisfied due to unmet expectations benefit from the dissatisfaction as it encourages them to learn with humility and improve upon their weaknesses.

💔The Truth of Reality 💔

Life is tough, there’s no other way to put it.

And as we all try to live with it, we need hope to feel inspired and motivated to work towards a certain goal we hope to achieve.

It is where motivational gurus throw quotes such as “SHOOT FOR THE MOON, even if you miss, You’ll LAND AMONG THE STARS!”

We hope to go as high as we can and if we fall to at least still fall among the top ones.

However, when we fixate on the idea that when we fall, we would definitely still be among the top, that is when we find ourselves starting to develop expectations out of hope.

Fixation stops motion

As what MJ in Spiderman: No Way Home said: expect disappointment and you won’t be disappointed.

The key is not to reduce our expectations, but to be flexible with our expectation, while keeping our hopes up to motivate ourselves to put in effort.

⚖️Not Just Realistic Expectations⚖️

I would suggest going further than just creating a realistic expectation.

To merge hopes and expectations healthily, it is important to incorporate flexibility and compassion for balanced, productive and hopeful expectations.

Imagine life is an ocean we are sailing through and we are the ship. Hope keeps us moving forward like the wind that blows into our sails - blowing us to keep moving without anger or self-judgment.

It is something that is often out of our control, but with its help we are able to keep on moving forward. If we depend only on the wind in our sails and no hard work on the part of the crew, the ship will likely take a long time to reach its destination, if it reaches at all.

Expectation on the other hand is like the captain of the ship. It thinks about the speed at which we have to reach our goal and sets the coordinates for our eventual destination.

A captain may choose to discipline its crew to put in necessary effort and give them an achievable target to work towards. Such a captain can maximize the potential of the resources it has available to reach the ship’s destination quickly while ensuring the safety of the ship.

However, a captain can choose to overwork its crew and set unachievable targets doing more harm to the ship than good. Unrealistic targets bring about more frustration than motivation to the crew each time the ship fails to meet these targets. While such a captain may seem to achieve some results in the short term, its approach is ultimately unsustainable and the burnt out ship is more likely to sink in time to come.

Which do you want to work with in the long term?

💡 Merging Hopes and Expectations 💡

It’s not easy to be a captain. To ensure the safety of the ship while reaching our goals, the captain needs to keep in mind how much resources the ship (ourselves) has and therefore how fast we are able to go. There are 2 key characteristics of effective captains - flexibility and compassion.

First, the captain has to be flexible in adapting and adjusting to the circumstances. Timelines and even the eventual destination can be changed when necessary.

The captain needs to understand that every ship is different. Some ships are super-yachts decked out with state-of-the-art technology. Some ships are cargo ships carrying huge loads and burdens. Some ships are cruise ships with throngs of passengers to answer to. And some ships may just be a sampan relying on a thin crew.

No matter what kind of ship we are, a captain that is effective for the ship is flexible in determining timelines and takes into account the resources we have to reach the destination.

Even the same ship may have different amounts of resources over time. We may have gotten an upgrade along the way, or we may have been thrown off course with an unexpected storm. Faced with waves of obstacles, varying challenges and unexpected situations, the captain has to remain flexible in navigating through this journey instead of being fixated only on the destination or timeline.

Second, an effective captain is compassionate to its crew and ship. When its crew gets sick, injured or tired, or when the ship gets worn out, instead of shaming and blaming them, the captain can treat them with compassion and understanding.

While flexibly adjusting our goals based on the condition of the ship and its crew, an effective captain would also ensure that the health of the ship and its crew is well taken care of.

In the short term, this may seem like a lot of effort and trouble, but self-compassion keeps our journey sustainable in the long run as we are able to work more diligently and healthily.

Perhaps at this point, you can begin to see how hope and expectations are both necessary and work hand-in-hand in our lives. With both the winds in our sails and a flexible, compassionate captain, we are more likely to journey through life at our best speed and state.

🙉Too much "HELPFUL" information🙉

At this point, I would like to point out one phenomenon which tends to heavily influence our captain (expectations) - social media. Social media in this analogy is like a stack of maps handed to our captain. While the maps introduce us to a multitude of possible destinations and how to get there, they are undoubtedly a double-edged sword.

With so many maps we are spoilt for choice and may face difficulty settling on one to reference.

Those who find it difficult to find a clear direction in life may either be inspired by the choices, or even more muddled by them.

Too many quotes and guidelines out there

Furthermore, as mentioned, not all ships are the same and all our journeys differ. If our captain were to blindly follow an unsuitable route and become fixated on it, we may end up stressing out our ship while feeling frustrated at our slow progress compared to others.

In addition, these routes may not even be fully accurate. Often, only the beautiful scenery of the destination is displayed on these maps, while the hard work and turmoil enroute the destination is neglected. This could lead to our captain making misinformed decisions and plans when referencing these maps. Hence, while I too enjoy scrolling through social media, we should keep in mind its detrimental effects on our life's expectations and be wary of what we see.

Keep your winds of hope blowing, flexibly navigate around the obstacles of life and treat yourself with compassion and understanding, else your ship will break before it even reaches the halfway mark of your goal.

And if you feel that it’s too difficult to maintain your ship journeying alone, reach out and together, we can work on your ship maintenance for a healthier and more efficient voyage.

Horizon Beyond Self Blaming

"Ugh, Why Can't I Do Better?!"

First of all, apologies for the delay in the posting that was supposedly scheduled for last Friday.

I found myself stating to myself:

"I should have completed my blog last week Friday!”

“Why didn’t I did it earlier?!”

“When so many people out there is disciplined, I should be doing the same!"

Last time, we talked about those who instinctively blame others when things go wrong.

And today, we will look at the other side of the spectrum - those who excessively blame themselves when things do not go the way they hoped for.

In short, overthinking and self blaming.

(Exactly how I was thinking to myself when I delayed my blog posting, in other words we are susceptible to self blaming even when we consistently work on ourselves.)

I thought to myself, remember that blaming is an act that our mind is going through to comprehend what is currently happening.

It's a cognitive dance our minds engage in to grapple with life's complexities.

We interpret situations through the lens of our experiences, upbringing, and the stories we tell ourselves.

Imagine being caught in a past or present environment where blame is a constant guest. Gradually, it becomes easier to accept blame as your permanent companion.

This internalized blame drags along its dear friend, shame.

And suddenly, it's as if all things good are brushed aside, while anything amiss points back at us.

We find ways to shame ourselves and further reinforce the idea that we are the reason for everything bad that has happened.

Some of us may even start waiting for when things would go wrong and associate it to our own doings.

With this tendency to shame ourselves we may start to feel helpless to make changes.

In the long run, when we continuously blame and feel ashamed of ourselves, we start to believe the only truth is that we are always at fault.

The Paradox of Empowerment Through Self-Blame

We try to blame ourselves so that we could discipline ourselves.

To make ourselves start taking steps towards change.

Shaming ourselves to feel a sense of dissatisfaction of our current state to make changes upon.

However, the barrage of self-blame isn't self-protection; it's a paradox.

As we craft our armor of shame, we inadvertently weaken our ability to grow.

The more we push ourselves down, the harder it becomes to rise and effect change. And there's more to it.

The blame we attribute to ourselves for tasks undone or paths untaken leads to procrastination and isolation.

We retreat, hiding from others' gazes, afraid they'll see our self-imposed flaws.

Afraid that they would see who we “truly are" even when we have a lot of good things going on for us.

Enter "The Weird Response Ability."

Oddly, self-blame isn't the culprit; it's the shame that rides shotgun.

It's the idea that we must shame ourselves to avoid mistakes.

Imagine if we treated our breath like this – constantly scrutinizing each inhale and exhale, fearing an error.

We'd be out of breath before long.

So, when we point the finger at ourselves, it's not solely about blame; it's about regaining control.

We hope that by pinning the blame on us, we can master the variables and finally escape the pitfalls.

In this peculiar way, self-blame attempts to grant us mastery over uncertainty. But in our quest for control, we lose sight of the bigger picture.

We overlook the idea that mistakes are needed to show us how we are growing.

Acceptance and kindness towards our possible mistakes can pave the way to betterment without the need for blame.

Out of the labyrinth of blame and shame

Remember, blaming oneself incessantly isn't a fortress; it's a labyrinth.

The walls built with self-blame and shame might seem like protection, but they're barriers that impede progress.

Recognize that self-growth isn't achieved by shouldering every fault.

Sometimes it may be your responsibility to certain actions, sometimes it's not.

It's definitely not your fault when others caused harm to you, so do not take responsibility for actions of others that hurt you.

Your consistent growth is nurtured through self-compassion, acceptance of our flaws, and the courage to learn from our missteps.

Release the chains of self-blame, embrace your journey, and flourish in the liberty of being imperfectly human.

Blame Game: The Game to Destroy Relationships

When you have gotten into an argument with your colleagues due to a mistake, who do you tend to find fault in?

Do you try to find all the reasons that the cause of the mistake was not you?

Or do you take on full responsibility for the mistake, regardless of your colleagues’ role in the accident?

It’s not me, it’s you: Why we tend to shame others first

When we find ourselves in the face of a problem, we tend to draw a line of boundary to either release responsibility or take up sole responsibility of the incident as a coping mechanism.

The reason we do so is our need to make sense of the negative experience that is happening around us.

We try to understand and to create associations between the result (accident) and the factors involved (individuals driving).

Simply put, we try to find someone to take responsibility, someone to blame.

We will focus on discussing about those who instinctively try to release responsibility by blaming others today.

(Up next Friday: Why do we blame ourselves first and try to take on all the responsibility)

Sometimes to protect ourselves from compromising our conscience or our ego, we will instinctively turn to blaming others to feel the assurance that we are not at fault.

When we “blame” it allows us to create a safe third person distance from the incident.

Thus, blaming can help us feel morally superior in the short term as we shame external forces to feel better.

Blaming others acts as a shield, a defense, a coping mechanism to protect ourselves from being harmed by the incident, to not feel the uncomfortable emotions triggered by the incident, while also “helping” us to understand the incident.

This may be further perpetuated by the people around you, who try to “help” you make sense of the incident by either pinning the blame on others, or on you through destructive criticism.

Effective Destruction in the Blame Game

Imagine you have your own plate, and suddenly someone puts their leftover food from their plate into your plate and said you were a bad person for wasting food.

You would probably want to scream your head off at their blaming actions and your relationship with them would likely turn sour.

It hurts others when we deflect our responsibilities and push the full responsibility of the incident onto them. Moreover, while feeling at ease that we are not to blame when things go south, the pain we inflict onto others by blaming them would likely damage our relationship with them.

Blaming others is a coping mechanism most of us naturally have. But we need to recognize that this coping mechanism is unfortunately not just protective but also destructive.

Instead of focusing our efforts on parrying away the challenges or finding the root cause of our problems, we complicate or even further damage the situation by trying to find someone to blame.

More often than not, blaming results in a lose-lose situation where all parties find their problems left unaddressed while feeling even more disconnected from one another.

Alternative Approach to Blaming

Blaming is a heuristic way of our mind understanding the ins and outs of a negative experience.

That means, even though blaming can cause harm to others, the tendency to blame could be compassionately explored and worked through to reduce the harm, allowing ourselves to understand our inclination to perceive things in a certain way and ultimately develop our emotional capacity to tackle problems.

To do so, an alternative approach to blame is to:

1. Identify that the emotions we are feeling are relevant and acceptable by showing

compassion towards the feelings of others and ourselves.

2. Hold on to the intention of understanding the full perspective of the whole situation.

3. Tenderly ask ourselves reflective questions:

a. What is it that we are afraid of experiencing which is causing us to blame others

first?

b. How does our vulnerable side feel about the situation that has happened?

c. Is that vulnerable side triggered due to some experience of blaming that you are

trying to protect yourself from?

4. Recognize all the above and take responsibility compassionately for how you are feeling

internally.

5. Act by asserting your feelings gently with other parties involved: “I am acting/ feeling

this way because I am… (share your vulnerabilities).”

Word of Caution: The society is large, and people vary.

Not everyone would be able to acknowledge your efforts of taking personal accountability and may even take advantage of it by blaming you so that they can feel morally superior.

If you are not ready to make the statement to others, take your own time.

Try to direct the statement to yourself.

It can help create a better relationship with yourself and can translate to less feelings of agitation and therefore less inclination to blame as well.

I know that even speaking the statement to yourself could bring a sense of cringe. Even then, cringing could be a sign that you are doing good work for yourself. Read up more on treating your cringing reaction with compassion

Are you ready to break free from blame and foster healthier relationships?

Contact me for personalized counselling and support today.