The Dragon's Tongue: Unravelling the Power of Destructive Criticism

We seem to have a preference for watching movies where the protagonist has to go through a series of hardships and overcome them before accomplishing success.

It's not surprising we have this preference, given that the belief of hardships being the key to success is consistently exposed to us via multiple media, from childhood stories, folklore, traditional media, and as of late social media.

This exposure leads us to radically believe that hardships are good things to go through. That only by going through hardships, can one succeed.

This belief is strongly ingrained in our culture of toxic positivity - how many times have you heard your elders, friends and mentors say "no pain no gain"?

For the Chinese, we even have the idiom "吃得苦中苦，方为人上人", which loosely translates to "those who suffer the most, achieve the most".

(If you know of any other similar sayings for other languages, do share them in the comments below!)

And so, in a bid to "help" our loved ones succeed, many of us harshly deliver destructive feedback with the idea that the criticism would definitely make them a stronger and more successful person. But does this destructive criticism cause more harm than good?s

The Dragon's Tongue

The following story is fiction, and any form of similarities to real life events or movies is a coincidence.

There was a boy named Yang Ming. His parents, like many in the city, adhered to the traditional definition of success. They were loving, but they held firm beliefs about the importance of discipline and academic excellence, to achieve success according to the traditional definition.

Yang Ming's parents had high aspirations for their son.

They believed that Yang Ming was capable of success and therefore they had to be tougher on him to pave his path to success.

From a tender age, Yang Ming was exposed to the dragon's tongue - the harsh, destructive criticism from his loved ones, especially his parents. Strongly believing in the effectiveness of the dragon's tongue, they consistently criticized and urged Yang Ming to achieve greatness in his studies and extra-curricular pursuits. His parents yearned for him to succeed, and believed that the only way was to use the dragon's tongue.

The belief was that only when the dragon's tongue spews forth harsh words, then children would be able to learn and improve more, to ultimately succeed in life.

But like most others, Yang Ming's parents neglected the fact that these words are also capable of scorching the self-esteem and psychological well-being of young souls.

Even if the souls that were able to fend through it all were to soar high, they would have already been traumatically scarred.

As the dragon's tongue breathed fire upon him with every misstep, Yang Ming started dreading the process of learning.

He no longer found joy in fulfilling his curiosity through learning.

The joy of learning and exploration began to wither away, crumbling into ashes in Yang Ming's heart.

The first day of school after exams was always an anxious time for Yang Ming. He dreaded the constant comparisons his parents made with other children, brandishing their academic achievements as weapons to whip him into working harder.

The dragon's tongue hissed,

"Look at Ming Yang, he scored full marks in the math test. Why can't you do the same?"

"Aiya, your name just a little bit different with Ming Yang, why your intelligence so much difference from him?"

The dragon's tongue was relentless. Every mistake Yang Ming made was magnified, and every accomplishment was unseen or unacknowledged.

As a consequence, Yang Ming started viewing mistakes as unforgivable failures rather than evidence of learning for growth.

Fear of disappointing his parents and triggering the dragon's fiery tongue robbed him of the courage to explore new things, stifling his creativity and personal development.

In school, Yang Ming became a bully, putting others down whenever he could to feel better about himself. But whenever he was alone, he was aware if he did not hide his vulnerabilities with a tough act, he would have to feel the anxiety of being compared to others.

He was no longer able to socialize well with his classmates in class discussions or even extracurricular activities as their presence triggered his anxiety of being labelled as someone of lesser worth.

Instinctually he reacted aggressively to protect his self worth.

The dragon's tongue had successfully instilled in him a constant fear of not being good enough, while putting on a tough hide on the outside.

He doubted his abilities and measured his worth solely based on achievements.

Counsellor's POV

If I had a chance to speak with Yang Ming, what would I say or do after hearing his experience?

I would probably start with this,

"All this criticism bloody hurts. I wouldn't want to hear it even as a grownup and yet you have to hear it from young. I would probably be angry and sad, and experience a whole cauldron of mixed emotions. I would feel these emotions because the dragon's tongue is denying the effort and discipline I put in daily and diminishing my worth."

And perhaps Yang Ming may have following thoughts:

"It's always my issue, look at how I bullied others yet they are still able to achieve so much."

"I should just stop whining. Focus on the achievements my parents want me to do so that I can make them proud, then they can acknowledge my worth."

I would then say:

"I hear that your thoughts are shaming yourself and further reducing your own sense of self worth. Given the choice, would you really want to do so? Or would you want to experiment with the process of nurturing yourself with genuine compassion and acceptance?"

At this point, I cannot anticipate what Yang Ming would say.

But I sure hope he would say he wants to care more for himself.

Because I can only facilitate change for those who want to change, like what the joke about psychologists says:

And if he wants to change, I would cultivate his inner love for himself.

Teach him how he can encourage himself through self appreciation rather than self depreciation.

Learn the ways his vulnerabilities bring him strength and how the strengths he may have could turn into his weakness, and to finally embrace them with equanimity.

And hopefully through it all become a dragon that is wise, knowledgeable and most importantly compassionate to self and others.

This tale is not to rationalize bullying, but as a reminder to us that destructive criticism may result in a domino effect, transmitting the chain of destructiveness to others around us.

The damages caused by destructive criticism can be profound. In contrast, through self compassion and nurturance, we can nurture resilience and paradoxically achieve results by focusing on the process.

Strength does not just come from toughness, but also from the ability to be flexible and compassionate of what is happening to oneself. To embrace our emotions and experiences with openness rather than resistance.

Be compassionate with yourself to be adaptable and acknowledge your innovative ways of adjusting to challenges.

Review them creatively and continuously for self growth.

The challenges will turn into experiences once we overcome them.