From Cringe to Compassion.

“What??? Accepting that it’s okay to feel happy? That feels so cringe and guilty!”

“It feels so cringe if I were to tell my parents I love them.”

As a counsellor, I have had the privilege of working with numerous young adults who struggle to accept and express their emotions freely, particularly within their family environments.

When contemplating the possibility of sharing their feelings or expressing affection towards their loved ones, many of these clients experience a sense of cringe.

This reluctance to embrace emotional expression is often rooted in the societal and familial norms they were raised with, which prioritize functionality over emotional vulnerability.

Understanding Cringe and it's Probable Sources:

Cringing, in the context of emotional expression, can be described as an involuntary emotional response to certain situations that trigger discomfort or embarrassment.

People are mostly ashamed and cringe at themselves for feeling certain emotions or going through shameful experiences.

This emotional response may result from past experiences or societal conditioning that discourages open emotional expression.

Such conditioning may come in the form of offhand statements such as “So what if you’re sad, you still have to go on with life”.

Or even in our day-to-day interactions.

The simple response of “Don’t mention it” when one receives thanks from others creates a state of superficial connection and inauthentic expression of our emotions, as we do not express our actual want to be appreciated.

In contrast, interactions that encourage open emotional expression would be more like “I see you are sad, may I know more about your sadness, so we can manage it?”.

Or “Thank you for your appreciation” when others thank you.

However, in today’s social context, such open emotional expression is rare and sometimes even frowned upon.

(Did you cringe at the above statements?)

[Image by Chris Yang https://loffyllama.com/]

The Impact of Cringing on Emotional Communication:

In the long run, when individuals cringe at the idea of expressing their feelings, it can have various negative effects on their emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships.

The fear of judgment or rejection, or shaming oneself might lead to suppressed emotions, causing emotional distress and isolation.

In turn, creating a barrier between individuals, shaming themselves when they want to share authentic emotions with one another, leading to a sense of disconnection or superficial connection in interactions.

Moreover, avoiding genuine communication due to cringing can prevent individuals from resolving conflicts and expressing their needs effectively.

Do you find it hard to express your authentic emotions?

• YES
• NO

Recognizing the Value of Emotional Processes:

We often seek to avoid discomfort and focus solely on embracing positive outcomes. However, personal growth and development requires acknowledging and navigating through discomfort and vulnerabilities (Brown, 2010).

Pushing away the process of experiencing discomfort creates a sense of discord and dissonance within and hinders development of emotional and empathetic understanding of self.

By facing the cringe, it allows the process of understanding the distinction between focusing on the result (maintaining functionality) versus the process (understanding emotions and adapting), creating a state of mind that fosters emotional acceptance and growth.

With understanding of your own emotions and abilities, it creates flexibility to adapt in the face of challenges in life.

Finding Freedom through Cringe:

Feel the cringe, without further shaming yourself for cringing.

While you feel the sense of internal embarrassment and awkwardness, provide yourself with self-compassion that you are going through a healthy process.

Neff, (2003) suggests that self-compassion is linked to improved emotional well-being, increased resilience, and reduced anxiety and depression.

Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, as you go through the process of self-expression especially during challenging times.

While cringing may result from self-judgment, self-compassion allows us to embrace our imperfections and acknowledge our shared humanity.

Embracing Emotional Expression:

Even when it feels cringey, emotional expression is a crucial step toward personal growth and fostering meaningful connections with others.

By acknowledging the impact of cringing and understanding the value of emotional processes, individuals can overcome barriers to communication and create healthier emotional landscapes in their lives.

As a counsellor, I am committed to assisting my clients in navigating their emotions and building a more authentic and fulfilling life.

References,

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.