Navigating Hope: Balancing Expectations
- JT Yap
- Sep 1, 2023
- 7 min read
Today, we will be diving into Pandora’s box to find Hope and understand the difference between hope and expectations.
In the mandarin language, 期望(expectations) and 希望 (hope) are easily miscommunicated and misinterpreted into the same perspective.
Though hopes and expectations may look alike to most of us at first glance, the feelings they bring forth can differ.
🎯 Differing Points between Hope & Expectation 🎯
To understand the difference between Hope & Expectations, we can start by looking at our experiences in the process of working towards our goals and reactions towards the result.
When we hope for a result, we put in our best effort and are more open to receive results differing from ideals.
We are more able to accept disagreements, discussions, or perception of imperfection of our completed work.
Therefore, in the process of completing any tasks, the level of dissatisfaction is not as high.
At the same time we draw a boundary between our sense of worth and the performance of a task, reducing the sense of shame and anger when results are not the way we hoped for.
For instance, for those of us who hope to win the lottery, if we eventually find out we did not, the level of dissatisfaction is relatively low and we do not lower our sense of worth as a result.
Whereas when we expect a certain result, we try to control the results rigidly, wanting it to be directly equivalent to the amount of effort we put in.
In the process of wanting to control the results, disagreements and discussions are not welcomed as we perceive that our effort is the guideline of how perfection should look like.
As we do so, we may find ourselves internalizing the result as our own sense of worth.
If the result is not ideal, we find that we see ourselves as imperfect and may end up feeling dissatisfied towards the results and also disappointed towards ourselves.
For example, if you have worked for weeks on a proposal which you expect your boss to love, if he/she eventually criticizes or rejects it, we are more likely to feel inadequate and the level of dissatisfaction is high.
People often feel that those who hold a lot of hope are those who are optimistic about life. On the other hand, while those who hold high expectations of themselves and others tend to be your go-getters and “hustlers”, they also experience a high level of dissatisfaction with life.
When people say, “you should be grateful for what you have”, they are trying to lower your expectations so that you can feel more satisfaction within your life.
However, is it wrong to feel dissatisfaction? After all, it does inform us what we would like to have in life, to lead us towards change.
🌟 Why do we need the dissatisfaction that comes from expectations🌟
We cannot discard expectations altogether just to deny ourselves the experience of dissatisfaction.
Some may call people who hold on to hope as visionaries or leaders, and we see a lot of such characters in comics, manga, manhwa, movie series and cartoons. Recall Luffy from One Piece, Naruto from Naruto, and the likes of them?
They always have a vision of who they want to become in the future. Most of the time we see them as strong, driven, motivated and possibly inspiring, even then, these leaders would not be able to succeed just by holding on to hope.
If we were to live our life based only on hope, I can only imagine all of us being manic and euphoric, making decisions that are hopeful without any actual preventative measures to safeguard ourselves, or putting in effort above and beyond to reach our goals.
Have you ever met that someone who is overly optimistic about everything but never really puts in effort to substantiate that optimism?
Or a friend who just blindly hopes to pass all his/her exams even when he/she doesn’t study?
Leaders who become successful in the eyes of others, acknowledges their limits, know their weaknesses, and flexibly changes their expectation of what they need to have in and around them to achieve their visions rather than just betting with pure hope.
In other words, successful leaders or individuals who find themselves dissatisfied due to unmet expectations benefit from the dissatisfaction as it encourages them to learn with humility and improve upon their weaknesses.
💔The Truth of Reality 💔
Life is tough, there’s no other way to put it.
And as we all try to live with it, we need hope to feel inspired and motivated to work towards a certain goal we hope to achieve.
It is where motivational gurus throw quotes such as “SHOOT FOR THE MOON, even if you miss, You’ll LAND AMONG THE STARS!”
We hope to go as high as we can and if we fall to at least still fall among the top ones.
However, when we fixate on the idea that when we fall, we would definitely still be among the top, that is when we find ourselves starting to develop expectations out of hope.
As what MJ in Spiderman: No Way Home said: expect disappointment and you won’t be disappointed.
The key is not to reduce our expectations, but to be flexible with our expectation, while keeping our hopes up to motivate ourselves to put in effort.
⚖️Not Just Realistic Expectations⚖️
I would suggest going further than just creating a realistic expectation.
To merge hopes and expectations healthily, it is important to incorporate flexibility and compassion for balanced, productive and hopeful expectations.
Imagine life is an ocean we are sailing through and we are the ship. Hope keeps us moving forward like the wind that blows into our sails - blowing us to keep moving without anger or self-judgment.
It is something that is often out of our control, but with its help we are able to keep on moving forward. If we depend only on the wind in our sails and no hard work on the part of the crew, the ship will likely take a long time to reach its destination, if it reaches at all.
Expectation on the other hand is like the captain of the ship. It thinks about the speed at which we have to reach our goal and sets the coordinates for our eventual destination.
A captain may choose to discipline its crew to put in necessary effort and give them an achievable target to work towards. Such a captain can maximize the potential of the resources it has available to reach the ship’s destination quickly while ensuring the safety of the ship.
However, a captain can choose to overwork its crew and set unachievable targets doing more harm to the ship than good. Unrealistic targets bring about more frustration than motivation to the crew each time the ship fails to meet these targets. While such a captain may seem to achieve some results in the short term, its approach is ultimately unsustainable and the burnt out ship is more likely to sink in time to come.
💡 Merging Hopes and Expectations 💡
It’s not easy to be a captain. To ensure the safety of the ship while reaching our goals, the captain needs to keep in mind how much resources the ship (ourselves) has and therefore how fast we are able to go. There are 2 key characteristics of effective captains - flexibility and compassion.
First, the captain has to be flexible in adapting and adjusting to the circumstances. Timelines and even the eventual destination can be changed when necessary.
The captain needs to understand that every ship is different. Some ships are super-yachts decked out with state-of-the-art technology. Some ships are cargo ships carrying huge loads and burdens. Some ships are cruise ships with throngs of passengers to answer to. And some ships may just be a sampan relying on a thin crew.
No matter what kind of ship we are, a captain that is effective for the ship is flexible in determining timelines and takes into account the resources we have to reach the destination.
Even the same ship may have different amounts of resources over time. We may have gotten an upgrade along the way, or we may have been thrown off course with an unexpected storm. Faced with waves of obstacles, varying challenges and unexpected situations, the captain has to remain flexible in navigating through this journey instead of being fixated only on the destination or timeline.
Second, an effective captain is compassionate to its crew and ship. When its crew gets sick, injured or tired, or when the ship gets worn out, instead of shaming and blaming them, the captain can treat them with compassion and understanding.
While flexibly adjusting our goals based on the condition of the ship and its crew, an effective captain would also ensure that the health of the ship and its crew is well taken care of.
In the short term, this may seem like a lot of effort and trouble, but self-compassion keeps our journey sustainable in the long run as we are able to work more diligently and healthily.
Perhaps at this point, you can begin to see how hope and expectations are both necessary and work hand-in-hand in our lives. With both the winds in our sails and a flexible, compassionate captain, we are more likely to journey through life at our best speed and state.
🙉Too much "HELPFUL" information🙉
At this point, I would like to point out one phenomenon which tends to heavily influence our captain (expectations) - social media. Social media in this analogy is like a stack of maps handed to our captain. While the maps introduce us to a multitude of possible destinations and how to get there, they are undoubtedly a double-edged sword.
With so many maps we are spoilt for choice and may face difficulty settling on one to reference.
Those who find it difficult to find a clear direction in life may either be inspired by the choices, or even more muddled by them.
Furthermore, as mentioned, not all ships are the same and all our journeys differ. If our captain were to blindly follow an unsuitable route and become fixated on it, we may end up stressing out our ship while feeling frustrated at our slow progress compared to others.
In addition, these routes may not even be fully accurate. Often, only the beautiful scenery of the destination is displayed on these maps, while the hard work and turmoil enroute the destination is neglected. This could lead to our captain making misinformed decisions and plans when referencing these maps. Hence, while I too enjoy scrolling through social media, we should keep in mind its detrimental effects on our life's expectations and be wary of what we see.
Keep your winds of hope blowing, flexibly navigate around the obstacles of life and treat yourself with compassion and understanding, else your ship will break before it even reaches the halfway mark of your goal.
And if you feel that it’s too difficult to maintain your ship journeying alone, reach out and together, we can work on your ship maintenance for a healthier and more efficient voyage.
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