The Dragon's Tongue: Unravelling the Power of Destructive Criticism

We seem to have a preference for watching movies where the protagonist has to go through a series of hardships and overcome them before accomplishing success.

It's not surprising we have this preference, given that the belief of hardships being the key to success is consistently exposed to us via multiple media, from childhood stories, folklore, traditional media, and as of late social media.

This exposure leads us to radically believe that hardships are good things to go through. That only by going through hardships, can one succeed.

This belief is strongly ingrained in our culture of toxic positivity - how many times have you heard your elders, friends and mentors say "no pain no gain"?

For the Chinese, we even have the idiom "吃得苦中苦，方为人上人", which loosely translates to "those who suffer the most, achieve the most".

(If you know of any other similar sayings for other languages, do share them in the comments below!)

And so, in a bid to "help" our loved ones succeed, many of us harshly deliver destructive feedback with the idea that the criticism would definitely make them a stronger and more successful person. But does this destructive criticism cause more harm than good?s

The Dragon's Tongue

The following story is fiction, and any form of similarities to real life events or movies is a coincidence.

There was a boy named Yang Ming. His parents, like many in the city, adhered to the traditional definition of success. They were loving, but they held firm beliefs about the importance of discipline and academic excellence, to achieve success according to the traditional definition.

Yang Ming's parents had high aspirations for their son.

They believed that Yang Ming was capable of success and therefore they had to be tougher on him to pave his path to success.

From a tender age, Yang Ming was exposed to the dragon's tongue - the harsh, destructive criticism from his loved ones, especially his parents. Strongly believing in the effectiveness of the dragon's tongue, they consistently criticized and urged Yang Ming to achieve greatness in his studies and extra-curricular pursuits. His parents yearned for him to succeed, and believed that the only way was to use the dragon's tongue.

The belief was that only when the dragon's tongue spews forth harsh words, then children would be able to learn and improve more, to ultimately succeed in life.

But like most others, Yang Ming's parents neglected the fact that these words are also capable of scorching the self-esteem and psychological well-being of young souls.

Even if the souls that were able to fend through it all were to soar high, they would have already been traumatically scarred.

As the dragon's tongue breathed fire upon him with every misstep, Yang Ming started dreading the process of learning.

He no longer found joy in fulfilling his curiosity through learning.

The joy of learning and exploration began to wither away, crumbling into ashes in Yang Ming's heart.

The first day of school after exams was always an anxious time for Yang Ming. He dreaded the constant comparisons his parents made with other children, brandishing their academic achievements as weapons to whip him into working harder.

The dragon's tongue hissed,

"Look at Ming Yang, he scored full marks in the math test. Why can't you do the same?"

"Aiya, your name just a little bit different with Ming Yang, why your intelligence so much difference from him?"

The dragon's tongue was relentless. Every mistake Yang Ming made was magnified, and every accomplishment was unseen or unacknowledged.

As a consequence, Yang Ming started viewing mistakes as unforgivable failures rather than evidence of learning for growth.

Fear of disappointing his parents and triggering the dragon's fiery tongue robbed him of the courage to explore new things, stifling his creativity and personal development.

In school, Yang Ming became a bully, putting others down whenever he could to feel better about himself. But whenever he was alone, he was aware if he did not hide his vulnerabilities with a tough act, he would have to feel the anxiety of being compared to others.

He was no longer able to socialize well with his classmates in class discussions or even extracurricular activities as their presence triggered his anxiety of being labelled as someone of lesser worth.

Instinctually he reacted aggressively to protect his self worth.

The dragon's tongue had successfully instilled in him a constant fear of not being good enough, while putting on a tough hide on the outside.

He doubted his abilities and measured his worth solely based on achievements.

Counsellor's POV

If I had a chance to speak with Yang Ming, what would I say or do after hearing his experience?

I would probably start with this,

"All this criticism bloody hurts. I wouldn't want to hear it even as a grownup and yet you have to hear it from young. I would probably be angry and sad, and experience a whole cauldron of mixed emotions. I would feel these emotions because the dragon's tongue is denying the effort and discipline I put in daily and diminishing my worth."

And perhaps Yang Ming may have following thoughts:

"It's always my issue, look at how I bullied others yet they are still able to achieve so much."

"I should just stop whining. Focus on the achievements my parents want me to do so that I can make them proud, then they can acknowledge my worth."

I would then say:

"I hear that your thoughts are shaming yourself and further reducing your own sense of self worth. Given the choice, would you really want to do so? Or would you want to experiment with the process of nurturing yourself with genuine compassion and acceptance?"

At this point, I cannot anticipate what Yang Ming would say.

But I sure hope he would say he wants to care more for himself.

Because I can only facilitate change for those who want to change, like what the joke about psychologists says:

And if he wants to change, I would cultivate his inner love for himself.

Teach him how he can encourage himself through self appreciation rather than self depreciation.

Learn the ways his vulnerabilities bring him strength and how the strengths he may have could turn into his weakness, and to finally embrace them with equanimity.

And hopefully through it all become a dragon that is wise, knowledgeable and most importantly compassionate to self and others.

This tale is not to rationalize bullying, but as a reminder to us that destructive criticism may result in a domino effect, transmitting the chain of destructiveness to others around us.

The damages caused by destructive criticism can be profound. In contrast, through self compassion and nurturance, we can nurture resilience and paradoxically achieve results by focusing on the process.

Strength does not just come from toughness, but also from the ability to be flexible and compassionate of what is happening to oneself. To embrace our emotions and experiences with openness rather than resistance.

Be compassionate with yourself to be adaptable and acknowledge your innovative ways of adjusting to challenges.

Review them creatively and continuously for self growth.

The challenges will turn into experiences once we overcome them.

From Cringe to Compassion.

“What??? Accepting that it’s okay to feel happy? That feels so cringe and guilty!”

“It feels so cringe if I were to tell my parents I love them.”

As a counsellor, I have had the privilege of working with numerous young adults who struggle to accept and express their emotions freely, particularly within their family environments.

When contemplating the possibility of sharing their feelings or expressing affection towards their loved ones, many of these clients experience a sense of cringe.

This reluctance to embrace emotional expression is often rooted in the societal and familial norms they were raised with, which prioritize functionality over emotional vulnerability.

Understanding Cringe and it's Probable Sources:

Cringing, in the context of emotional expression, can be described as an involuntary emotional response to certain situations that trigger discomfort or embarrassment.

People are mostly ashamed and cringe at themselves for feeling certain emotions or going through shameful experiences.

This emotional response may result from past experiences or societal conditioning that discourages open emotional expression.

Such conditioning may come in the form of offhand statements such as “So what if you’re sad, you still have to go on with life”.

Or even in our day-to-day interactions.

The simple response of “Don’t mention it” when one receives thanks from others creates a state of superficial connection and inauthentic expression of our emotions, as we do not express our actual want to be appreciated.

In contrast, interactions that encourage open emotional expression would be more like “I see you are sad, may I know more about your sadness, so we can manage it?”.

Or “Thank you for your appreciation” when others thank you.

However, in today’s social context, such open emotional expression is rare and sometimes even frowned upon.

(Did you cringe at the above statements?)

[Image by Chris Yang https://loffyllama.com/]

The Impact of Cringing on Emotional Communication:

In the long run, when individuals cringe at the idea of expressing their feelings, it can have various negative effects on their emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships.

The fear of judgment or rejection, or shaming oneself might lead to suppressed emotions, causing emotional distress and isolation.

In turn, creating a barrier between individuals, shaming themselves when they want to share authentic emotions with one another, leading to a sense of disconnection or superficial connection in interactions.

Moreover, avoiding genuine communication due to cringing can prevent individuals from resolving conflicts and expressing their needs effectively.

Do you find it hard to express your authentic emotions?

• YES
• NO

Recognizing the Value of Emotional Processes:

We often seek to avoid discomfort and focus solely on embracing positive outcomes. However, personal growth and development requires acknowledging and navigating through discomfort and vulnerabilities (Brown, 2010).

Pushing away the process of experiencing discomfort creates a sense of discord and dissonance within and hinders development of emotional and empathetic understanding of self.

By facing the cringe, it allows the process of understanding the distinction between focusing on the result (maintaining functionality) versus the process (understanding emotions and adapting), creating a state of mind that fosters emotional acceptance and growth.

With understanding of your own emotions and abilities, it creates flexibility to adapt in the face of challenges in life.

Finding Freedom through Cringe:

Feel the cringe, without further shaming yourself for cringing.

While you feel the sense of internal embarrassment and awkwardness, provide yourself with self-compassion that you are going through a healthy process.

Neff, (2003) suggests that self-compassion is linked to improved emotional well-being, increased resilience, and reduced anxiety and depression.

Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, as you go through the process of self-expression especially during challenging times.

While cringing may result from self-judgment, self-compassion allows us to embrace our imperfections and acknowledge our shared humanity.

Embracing Emotional Expression:

Even when it feels cringey, emotional expression is a crucial step toward personal growth and fostering meaningful connections with others.

By acknowledging the impact of cringing and understanding the value of emotional processes, individuals can overcome barriers to communication and create healthier emotional landscapes in their lives.

As a counsellor, I am committed to assisting my clients in navigating their emotions and building a more authentic and fulfilling life.

References,

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.

Mental health accessibility goes beyond affordability.

Money matters or mental heath matters first?

I saw a post one day stating how mental health professionals were hypocrites.

On one end charging prices that individuals in need aren't able to afford, while on the other end stating they would want individuals to have accessibility of the services they need.

When we think about accessibility of mental health it seems that we only focus on the ease of getting the services.

More often than not, the focus is on the financial cost that clients hope could be reduced, and mental health professionals would like to maintain so as to retain their abilities and quality of services.

The focus of the general population then turns into affordability rather than accessibility.

While the mental health professionals would like individuals in need to have accessibility, the focus being ease of reaching out to such services.

Or the ability to provide the services to individuals in need as soon as possible if their slots are packed fully.

It is impossible to answer who is right, as both clients in need and professionals wanting to provide services to clients are trying to do something for the benefit of themselves.

Let's embrace understanding over fixing.

My proposed different perspective of what the accessibility of mental health service means is not about affordability, ease of reaching but one that focuses on the ease of having mental health being understood or appreciated.

In Asian culture, mental health is still something shunned upon, and with the idea of positive energy and positive vibes, even the western countries are slowly shunning and shaming the ones feeling less adapted to the larger society.

As mental health is something observable by behavior but not like physical health injuries.

Mental health issues are similar to financial health issues, in times of such incidents happening, we tend to perceive the ones experiencing the issues are the cause of the problem to be "fixed".

As we cannot see the "loss" that is intangible, we easily make sense that the "loss" comes from that which is tangible, the person involved.

Eg. Your financial situation is how it is because you did some wrong planning in your own financial management aspect.

Imagine a world where open discussions and empathy surround mental health

What if mental health was openly discussed and appreciated when individuals show more emotional, behavioural or cognitive expression of their mental health?

What if the vulnerabilities of mental health were allowed to be easily understood with empathy rather than understood as a "problem" needing to be "fixed"?

What if the focus is understanding and not fixing?

What if companies act on what they preach and advocate and have open discussions related to mental health wellbeing of every individual?

No fear of judgment, just compassionate support to access mental health resources

My guess would be that if such openness to the topic of mental health was more easily spoken of rather than being shunned or attempting to be fixed, the feelings of shame to talk and access the necessary help would increase.

Employees would be able to discuss their mental health state and needs with their management without fear of discrimination or their livelihood being affected because of their mental health needs.

Individuals could talk about their mental health with anyone they know, without fear of judgment because everyone would understand that what they may be going through is part of the life experience that different individuals go through at different times, without the need to compare or "help".

If they are not shamed or attempted to be fixed, any individual would be able to talk about their mental health status and receive support to direct them with understanding towards which mental health professionals or school of therapeutic approaches could be helpful for them.

Thereby increasing their accessibility to the topic of mental health with a compassionate society, and if they have the need for professional assistance, they can initiate and receive further access to therapeutic processes.

Ready to access and care for your mental well-being?

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Take the first step towards a flexibly healthier you.

Start your transformation today and unlock a enriching future.

Together, we can manage obstacles.

Reach out now @JTProfessionalCounselling and embrace the life you would want to experience.